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22 June 2011 @ 01:37 am
i NEED to lose weight.

Any higher than 135 is unacceptable

I've got a ways to go, but I know I can do it.

I just wanna like myself.

Is that too much to ask?
13 June 2011 @ 07:06 pm
or rather, I've made the decision that I'm never going to be okay with food.

I know exactly why i began gaining weight as a child...
but going to therapy and bringing all of the monsters out of the closet in my head is just making my life more hectic and chaotic
I dont want help for this
I dont need help for this
I'm not skinny
I "don't look like [I] have an ED"
I'm comfortable with my disorder
&& I embrace it and learn to live with it

...maybe if I were skinnier...
23 April 2011 @ 06:14 pm
.*Eating Disorder Survey*.
Created by derminster and taken 9932 times on Bzoink
Age?: 19
Height?: 5'9''
Weight?: 194 pounds
Lowest Weight?: 175 (since my ED was diagnosed)
Highest Weight?: 276 (since my ED was diagnosed)
What weight do you want to weigh?: 135
What eating disorder do you have?: ED-NOS with anorexic and bulimic tendencies
In Depth
How many calories do you eat in a day, on average?: between 300-800; try to stay below 400
Do you throw up your food on occasion?: yes--when no one's around
Do you want to look like a supermodel/actress?: Absolutely. Marisa Miller is drop dead gorgeous.
Are you in some sort of extracurricular sport, ie soccer or track?: Not since my knee/back inury
Has anyone ever teased you about your weight?: Of course
Have you ever fasted? If so, for how long?: my record is 14 days
Do you take laxatives to get rid of food/calories?: I use them to get rid of the bloat--sheding a couple pounds of waste is just a perk
Are you 'inspired' by models/actresses?: I think most models are almost unrealistically skinny. I am, however, thinspired by actresses
Have you ever been hospitalised for your ED?: yes
Have you ever ingested Ipecac to induce vomiting?: no, it's almost impossible to get where I live
Have you ever tried to recover from your eating disorder?: Not really--I've gone through periods where i wasn't "in my ed", but I revert back to it when shit hits the fan. I don't wanna recover.
Body Image Q's
Do you constantly see yourself as fat, even though others say you are not?: i AM fat
What part of your body would you change?: stomach, arms, thighs, calves, triple chin (ok, its only a double)...uhm...did i forget anything?
On a scale of 1-10, how happy are you with your body?: 1--I like my eyes, hands and feet
Do you judge your value/merit solely on your weight/body?: Mostly
Because of your body apperance/weight, have you become severely depressed?: Yes
Do you constantly compare your bodies to supermodels/actresses?: absolutely
Do you think you eat healthy enough?: i think i don;t eat un-healthily enough
Are you morbidly afraid to eat carbs?: no. sweets on the other hand...
Fat grams?: everything I eat is low fat or fat free
Calories?: ideally, below 400
Are you often tired/fatigued?: yeah, but diet pills and vitamins help
Do you feel more energised after eating food?: maybe, a little. idk. I haven't noticed much of a difference
Do you eat meat?: chicken and fish
Do you eat your food in a certain way? ie cut it up into small pieces, etc.: I'd need to write a novel to explain all of my eating habits
Do people tell you you look sick or famished?: not yet
Have you ever thrown up blood?: no
Is your heart bpm above 49?: it is now
Do you have fainting spells from lack of eating?: yeah
Other Stuff
Do you think the media is at fault for the prevalence of eating disorders?: partially
What's your opinion of Pro-Ana?: i'm addicted to pro-ana websites...but wannarexics disgust me.
Do you have any other mental disorders? ie Bipolar, BDD, etc.: PTSD-RTS, anxiety/panic disorder, depression
What's your favourite food to eat?: "ED-safe"- apples ; binge food- ice cream
Favourite drink?: crystal lite iced lemon tea
Do you often wish you didn't have an ED?: I think my social life would be less awkward...but overall, no.
Do you want to recover?: I'm gonna have to go with a big negative on that one
You've been totally Bzoink*d!
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23 April 2011 @ 03:54 pm
OK, so I'm on the verge of being a post-whore today, but I'm distracting myself from eating so I can continue my fast!


Age: 19

Height: 5’ 9”

Weight: 194--FML, atleast it's not 276

Dress Size: 12/14--16/18 in jeans because of my thighs X(

Goal Weight: 135

Favorite Diet Food: apples

Favorite Exercise: walking, swimming, ab coaster <3

Where Do You Slip Up: when I'm bored, or not doing something "ana-productive"

Hating your body:The first time I restricted, I was 12. 7 years later, I'm still riding the same body image rollercoaster

Restricting/counting: Define my life.

Does Anyone Know: My boyfriend, My mom, My shrink, a few friends.

Do You Want Help: Not at all

How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day: Depends. I try to stay under 400 if I'm not on any particular "diet" plan like ABC or 2468

What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror: Huge stomach, enormous thighs and calves, pigeon wings, back fat, triple chin, "cuban hips", fatty forearms. I love my hands and feet though. >.<

Are You In A Relationship: <3 George

Are You Depressed: I have my moments, but I use my ED to suppress my feelings, so it rarely shows.

Ever Tried To Commit Suicide: Not yet

Ever Been To A Psychologist: Every Monday at noon.

I AM - 

[ ] anorexic 

[with anorexic and bulimic tendencies] ednos 

[ ] bulimic 

[x] living off diet pills 

[x] hungry 

[ ] thirsty 

[water] drinking something 

[ ] Under 100lbs 

[x] starving yourself 

[x] participating in a fast 


[x] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic 

[x] call me fat 

[ ] say I’m skinny 

[ ] say I’m ugly 

[x] say I’m pretty

[] spread rumors about me 

[x] force me to eat 

[my mom] say I eat too much 

[x] wish I’d eat more 

[x] don’t know I’m anorexic/bulimic/ednos 


[x] I was THIN 

[x] I had a better body 

[x] I didn’t have to eat 

[x] I could control myself 

[ ] I was under 110lbs 

[x] I could avoid food 

[x] I could hide what I am 

[x] I wasn’t fat 

[ ] I was pretty 

[ ] I could stop being ana/mia then maybe I would be a little more normal 


[x] feeling hungry 

[x] seeing a difference when fasting 

[x] shaking 

[x] feeling weak 

[x] losing weight 

[x] being anorexic/bulimic 

[x] green tea 

[x] diet pills 

[x] being able to turn down food 

[x] feeling good about myself 


[ ] I am shorter than 5’4. 

[x] I think I’m ugly sometimes. 

[ ] I have many scars.  

[x] I tan easily. 

[] I wish my hair was a different color. 

[x] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color. 

[xxxxx] I have a tattoo.

[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance. 

[x] I have/had braces. 

[or contacts] I wear glasses. 

[xxxxxxxx] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free. 

[x] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger. 

[x] I have more than 2 piercings.

[x] I have piercings in places besides my ears. 

[ ] I have freckles. 


[x] I’ve sworn at my parents. 

[x] I’ve run away from home. 

[ ] I’ve been kicked out of the house. 

[ ] My biological parents are together. 

[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old. 

[x-more] I want to have kids someday. 

[x] I’ve had children. 

[x] I’ve lost a child.  


[ ] I’m single 

[x] I’m in a relationship. 

[ ] I’m engaged. 

[ ] I’m married. 

[x] I’ve gone on a blind date. 

[50/50] I’ve been the dumpee more than the dumper. 

[x] I miss someone right now. 

[ ] I have a fear of abandonment. 

[x] I’ve cheated in a relationship. 

[ ] I’ve gotten divorced 

[xxxxxxxxx] I’ve had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back. 

[x] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t. 

[ ] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did. 

[x] I’ve kept something from a past relationship. 


[x] I’ve had a crush on someone of the same sex. 

[x] I’ve had a crush on a teacher. 

[only when I feel tiny] I am a cuddler. 

[x] I’ve been kissed in the rain. 

[x] I’ve hugged a stranger. 

[x] I have kissed a stranger. 


[x] I’ve consumed alcohol. 

[x] I regularly drink. 

[] I can’t swallow pills. 

[x] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem 

[] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression at some point. 

[x] I shut others out when I’m upset. . 

[x] I’m anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS. 

[x] I’ve slept an entire day when I didn’t need it. 

[x] I’ve hurt myself on purpose. 

[x] I’m addicted to self harm. 

[x] I’ve woken up crying 

[x] I’ve lost weight 

[x] I’ve gained weight 

[x] My weight holds me back 

[x] Weight consumes me. 

[] I’m at my thinnest 

[] I’m at my biggest 

[x] I’ve lost weight and kept it off 

[x] I’ve lost weight but gained it back 

[x] My weight affects my mood 

[x] I weigh myself daily (About 4-6 times a day) 

[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me 

[] I thrive on compliments 

[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size 

[x] I feel happy when I’m hungry 

[x] I get depressed after I eat 

[x] I’ve skipped a meal 

[x] I’ve thrown food away 

[x] I’ve spit food out 

[x] I’ve fasted 

[x] I’ve taken diet pills 

[x] I’ve used laxatives 

[x] I’ve purged 

[now, rarely]  I exercise

[x] I exercise so I can eat 

[x] I work out secretly 

[x] I work out daily 

[x] I exercise to counteract eating 

[x] I’ve fainted from exhaustion 


[x] Weed 

[x] Cigarettes 

[x] Alcohol 

[x] Diet pills 

[x] Pain killers 

[x] Anti-depressants 

[x] Ecstasy 

[ ] LSD 

[ ] Mushrooms 

[ ] Speed 

[ ] Cocaine 

[ ] Other 

[x]  I keep my eating habits a secret 

[x] I have a diet blog 

[x] I look at thinspo 

[x] I collect thinspo 

[x] I’m doing this for me 

[ ] I’m doing this for someone 

[x] I’m doing this to prove myself

06 July 2010 @ 10:17 pm